Jessica Biel frightens her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. These aren’t fears about commitment, or babies, or even career setbacks. Justin’s bête noire isn’t even that his girlfriend is so ravishingly beautiful that she’ll never be able to work or function again. No, Justin is merely scared of Jessica’s “superior athleticism”. It has Justin “mortified” according to the National Enquirer. Apparently Jessica’s workouts are so frequent and so proficient, she literally runs circles around Justin, especially when they’re trying to run together. And… chuckle…snarf…cough… Jessica even yells at Justin when he can’t keep up. Imagine me smothering a giggle. Poor emasculated Justin. Poor little JT. Chuckle.

Dude… Jessica makes Justin adhere to her low-carb diet? But that boy is skinny as a rail. A stiff wind could knock him over. He needs to eat! Let him have a pizza, Jess! Also, Jessica can bench press a 100 pounds? It’s been a while since I did any weight training, but I seem to remember 50 pounds being tough. Then again, I have practically no upper-body strength. I carry all my strength in my legs. My calf muscles are bigger than Justin’s. But it’s okay - he’s our tiny dancer! What he lacks in strength and athleticism, he makes up for in hip thrusts and moonwalks. I bet he can do the “Cabbage Patch” like the wind.

All jokes aside, I do take minor issue with the whole idea that Jessica’s athleticism is somehow emasculating. Yes, it’s probably specifically emasculating to JT, but I know many men who adore women who take working out seriously. Jessica should be going out with one of those guys - like a professional athlete or a trainer. Or someone who doesn’t want to compete with her in a friendly little game of “Who has the bigger bicep?”