"Jessica's a very talented lady, funny, a superb actress, singer, a mother.... and not married to some cheating numbskull Brit footballer," celebwatch website LA FagHagSlagMag commented today as La Cole sashayed into town. "And Cheryl? Cheryl who?? Well, ok, she's kinda pretty in a trash heap kinda way; lots of falsies, mascara, lip plumper...

"They say her IQ is slighgtly less that Princess Diana's and her meteoric rise to, (cough, splutter) fame and fortune is because he Pa is Simon Cowell!"The celebsite has turned down featuring the dark-eyed Northern England croonette after a PR poll suggested 99% of Californians had never heard of her or wanted to shag her.
The 4ft 10in Geordie dwarflet is currently doing a geographical after husband Ashley messed up bigtime in a Tiger Woods kinda way. Her facial resemblance to Biel is uncanny, except that Biel is 5ft 7ins, pretty and talented. And doesn't frighten horses each time she opens her mouth and says "Ashley!" in a moronic, gone-with-the-wind kinda way. Vanessa Perroncel is a dead ringer for Florence from The Magic Rountabout.